This weekend my family had to relive all the emotions from last summer. My brother and sister-in-law lost their baby after 10 weeks of being pregnant. Needless to say, Friday was a hard day, Saturday was a sad day.
This could become a post about God’s fairness. We have our “one angel baby” therefore every child conceived in our family has to be born now, it’s only fair. Or, Michael and Melissa don’t deserve the heartbreak- that’s not fair. We should all get to be happy all the time. But it’s not a post about fairness.
I could write a post about God’s perfect plan for our life. You know, “all things work out for good…” We do know that God’s plan is perfect, but why do we only think about it when it’s not “our plan”.
Knowing that Michael and Melissa will read this I could make it about how they should grieve and what’s going to happen next and have all the answers. But we are different people in different situations. All I could tell him on the phone was that I knew exactly what they were going through and I still didn’t know what to say. No one ever does.
What this post can ultimately be about is Trust. Every person out there knows someone or is someone that has lost a baby. Some understand more than others the constant fear that grips you during a pregnancy after you’ve had a bad experience. I told Michael yesterday that I wish babies would start kicking hard enough for us to feel the minute we become pregnant. If that happened, we wouldn’t have to start our child raising experience with faith and trust in God. We have three to four months of basically hoping our baby is alive and thinking that once the baby starts moving then all the worry goes away. But that’s never going to happen.
We trust that God protects our baby to birth. Then we start the countdown past the SIDS window. Then we may worry about serious illness or getting kidnapped. What about kids walking to school? Should we drive them so they don’t get abducted, or wait, most car accidents happen within 20 miles of your home so I’ll walk them to school everyday and not get in the car. Then come the teenage years and the worry gets worse. Add the worry that your kid may or may not be “normal” and you could spend the rest of your life worrying and not living.
So all that goes to say I’ve learned more about trusting God in my life than in any other scenario. I’m sure moms with no losses can identify just as strongly.
I write about this because I wish that this was one area where trust could be easy. So far my family can not “blissfully” go through a pregnancy. We don’t, and probably never will, day dream the minute the test becomes positive. We’ll always be tentative in our terminology and never completely know how to answer the questions: “Is this your first baby?” or “How many kids/grandkids do you have?” If I had my way, babies wouldn’t die, no one would struggle with infertility and there wouldn’t be birth defects. But I can’t have my way and that is part of God’s plan. He uses this to teach us to appreciate and love each child we get on earth and to love them as much as we can until God takes them Home.
Until God decides to see things my way, I’ll be taking the time to learn trust and teach trust. My hope is that my future experiences in parenting will only bring me closer to God and allow me to rely on Him even more.
In the meantime, keep Michael and Melissa in your prayers as she recovers this week and takes steps to understand everything that just happened.